When I was a kid, I had always imagine my grown-up life to be one of those Filipino commercials where the father would come home from work to his family waiting for him for dinner. He has some pasalubong (typically a softdrink or a bucket of chicken, thus the product) for them and they’ll be enjoying the dinner together. I always get that warm feeling watching those commercials.
I don’t know if this is the right time to check that dream but if it is, then I failed miserably. The closest thing I could ever get to that is having a decent job. It’s the one thing (I think) I got right in my life. If there’s one word that’ll describe my life right now that’d be ‘chaos’. Oh wait, I need a stronger word than that. Here at 26, I look at my life and I feel that I haven’t accomplished anything good and I don’t know where the heck I’m headed. Quarter-life crisis? Maybe. I mean, I hope so. If you are blessed (or cursed) with a very active imagination, the more you try to figure out life the more it blurs in front of you. All I wanted was a simple life. You know, go to church every Sunday, get a pet dog and enjoy a movie over some Chinese food. But I guess simplicity is something you got after mountains of complexity. Don’t get me wrong, I made efforts to have it. I avoided being stupid so I don’t end up living the rest of my life broke so I burn my ass out studying. I also make sure that I don’t turn into one of those teacher’s pet students. I had a fair amount of craziness in my life. And I always believed that money is the least priorities of all and I value time and relationships with people above else. And somewhere along these rules and steps, I made a wrong turn and *kapuff* a big banner that says “Welcome to the convoluted world of real world” was in front of me. Nobody told me that somewhere along being a well-rounded student and life-junkie is a shortcut to complicated life.
Yet I tried “surviving” in this complicated world. But the more time I spend surviving, thriving and pushing through, the more it drives me swirling down the drain. It was like a quicksand. The more I make mistake, the more I was sucked into it. And in the middle of shouting and begging for help, I stopped. I stop because I’ve gone to a point where nobody can understand me anymore (pull me from the quicksand). And I checked my life only to find out one startling revelation: the life I’m trying to live is the very life that I swore not to have. So I summon all of my remaining strength to reach out for the solid ground, hoping that everything is not too late.
I am not a changed man. I am far from it. The introduction alone would have tell you that. I am a man in hope. This blog is a waning hope in me. Waning before I turn into one of those dark, pessimists people who hate everything. I used to be an optimist. Now, I don’t even care. I used to be a life-junkie. Now, I’m keeping myself from being a “junkie”. This new blog is a new start for me. I’m trying to get my life back. And I hope it’s not too late.