Category Archives: Personal

what’s bloggin’?

So I haven’t blogged for a while. I’m starting to think that blogging is for lonely people (do the math).

Anyway, a lot of stuff happened since my last post. For starters, I’m in my new apartment now. And what’s weird is I never really saw myself feeling settled here but now I couldn’t imagine renting anywhere else. It’s crazy. It’s a good community I guess, quiet and easy.

What else happened since I last blogged… Oh I know, Bamboo released their fourth album – Tomorrow Becomes Yesterday. Yay! (I’m listening to it right now). I have to say that most of the songs are the ones that you need to listen over and over before you realize how good it is. But there are crowd favorites too, “Muli” is easily one of them. I’ll be blogging more on this next time so no spoiler for now.

Last, I’m leaving current job for a new one. I know it’s just been six months and I’m leaving again but I can’t help it, the offer is really good 🙂 . I’ll be working as a .NET Project Manager in a company called Mediadev.

The good thing is I’ll be jobless for  a week! Wuhuu! As usual, as a tradition, I’ll have that “escape” while I’m jobless. Cheers!

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Filed under Personal

you’re my home

youre_my_home

It was a long and tiring road to here. I never thought that I’d make it. I never thought that I still deserve this. I never thought that I am still capable of being happy.

You’re my home. You’re my home.

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Filed under Happiness, Healing, Personal, Sunrise

deadly "stare", again.

Oh I’m such a sucker for pain.

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Filed under Drown, Personal

old, familiar place

The other day, I went to visit an old, familiar place. It was raining and it was perfect. Walking around made me realized how I really miss the place. I also visited some old friends and it was great catching up with them.

It’s good to know that some things don’t change. Yes, some things are perfect the way they are. Stay the same old-familiar-place, when that day comes , I will be back with you.

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Filed under Personal, Philippines

tiny little steps

You’ve been staring on a busy street for hours now. If you could paint a color for each thought that visits your mind, well, your canvass would be pretty messy. One minute you are “putting” words into people’s mouth the next minute felt like you’re struggling as you are being pulled underwater. When these kind of images rushes through your head you snap out by shaking your head. It’s silly but it’s good enough. It’s been like this for months now. Ten months to be exact. You are much better now. Better but not healed. So you proudly trip back to your memories and wonder how the hell were you able to hold it together.

Step I: Bottom…

You remember the first week. “Wait, how do you remember the first week?“, you asked. Yeah, how do you remember something when you spent the last remaining strands of your everything trying to forget that something. The intro alone felt like your heart is being pushed into a small box. You discovered that incident wasn’t the end. It’s the beginning of the end. Because it gets worst.

At one point, you actually told yourself that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger“. Big laugh. Inside you feel pathetic because you know that there is no way you are strong. You are dead inside. How can anyone expect you to be strong if the remaining strength you have is reserved for breathing, procrastinating and self-loathing.  It doesn’t even feel like living anymore, it’s more of floating. That’s the perfect way to describe how you exist. Not surviving, just floating.  A dead meat that gets lucky and is being pushed by the current. Everyday you struggle by waking up and letting time push you through the day. So “strong” would be the last word that can describe you. Now take off the face and wear your grievance where it would nicely fit you.

Step II: Rock bottom…

So you desperately try to move on. You’ll do anything for a temporary high. Anything to numb your mind away from the pain. Anything. This is you running away. You actually believe that you can run away from all of these. You are such a fool for even believing that you are capable of fixing your mess. Idiot. You have the nerve to do things that happy people do because you believe that they can make you happy. Idiot-er. Then you’d realise that you’ve just thrown yourself into another mess because everything around you just remind you of the times before.

And it’s like a quicksand, One mistake leads to another. And another. And another. And another. And another. Next thing you know is you are buried under your complications. And you finally stop. Stop – the first right thing you did in months. You realised that, maybe, doing nothing is actually better than doing something. That the right thing to do is to sit, wait and take the pain as it gnaws you inside. That you never really gotten away from pain, you just delayed it. You just prolonged it. Now it makes sense, “sometimes, the shortest way to relief is pain”.

Step III: Leftovers

And after a while, when tiredness finally claims you, you somehow find it weirdly comforting. It’s not the best feeling in the world, but it’s better than those in-between moments of temporary highs. Or those moments before consciousness leaves your body. It’s a cheap bargain, but it’s all you’ve got. Because for the first time you are not fighting anymore. You’re done trying. There is nothing left to do but to move forward. “I never thought that moving forward could be this painful“, you surrendered.

Step IV: Congratulations, you are now officially ‘damaged’ from this point forward, so keep walkin’!

Now you wake up to a morning with the same sun that’s gray and where everything is dull. Yet it feels different. Not because it doesn’t hurt anymore but because you’ve accepted, not understood,  that there will always be pain. There will be images that will rush randomly on your mind, there will always be moments that you will be reminded of her. The difference is now you can look back at the pain and smile. You now remember her the way you should. You painfully remember how she made that part of your life the best part of your life. You remember the feeling and the insanity. And this time you’re smiling.

You’re healing. Not healed just healing. You’re learning to breathe again.

 

I believe that however you move on, it will involve at least two things: pain and time. There are no detours. It’s the only way through.

This blog entry is dedicated to an old friend. How much I miss her and how much I wish that I could sit with her, drink coffee and talk about life like we used too.

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Filed under Drown, Healing, invincible, Personal, Uncategorized

few thoughts on mind games

Mind games can only be played well. Anything less characterizes your inability to think.

 

The beauty of mind games is you can hit your enemy without even aiming at them. You just know they’re down when they react haplessly in pain and fail miserably with their counterattacks.

 

Mind games allow you to beat your opponent in their pathetic game without dragging yourself down in their level.

 

The vilest thing a man can do is to mock the very thing that he’s dying to do.

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Filed under Mind Games, Personal

happiness rule #3-A

Sometimes you realize that people around you has too much influence on your happiness. That’s when you need to step up and take everything back. Don’t let other people make you feel that you don’t deserve what you want. Sometimes happiness is not a decision anymore, it’s conviction.

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Filed under Happines, Personal